You Will Get Pregnant and Die
by adi-rotynd
Summary: In which Finn tries very, very hard to be a good brother. By giving Kurt the Talk. For a prompt. This story predates "Sexy" by quite a bit, so… excuse the parallels?


**Spoilers:** Up to 2.08.  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Sex talk, extreme second-hand embarrassment, a very very narrow idea of what sex between two guys might consist of and what Kurt's role in that sex might be due to a) Finn and Puck, and b) the people who know shit not wanting to draw these conversations out.   
><strong>Disclaimer:<strong> RIB and FOX own everything ever.

Enjoy, and by all means review should it strike your fancy, my best beloveds.~

* * *

><p>Will Schuester could have told Finn that going through a loved one's personal affects was a bad plan which only led to tragedy and horror for everyone involved. In retrospect, he will realize that he probably should have, just because he and Finn tend to have similar bad luck in odd patterns and Finn is pretty thoughtless. And he is moving in with an intensely private teenage boy who probably isn't used to having to put much effort into being intensely private, what with living with a single father and all.<p>

Right now, he is not thinking any of this coherently, because his brain shorted out a few seconds ago when Finn handed him his phone with the picture on the screen.

A minute or two before that, Finn had knocked on the door to his office and said, "Can I speak to you alone for a minute, Mr. Schue? I don't think there's anyone else I can talk about this with." Will said yes, of course, anything Finn needed. Finn had pulled out his cell phone and called up a picture. "So I was in Kurt's closet looking for some video games I left in his room when we moved out the first time," he said, "and I found those muscle mags April gave him," and Will thought, _Oh shit, that's where he got them, please God never let Mr. Hummel find out I was inadvertently responsible for exposing his son to pornography_ "and," Finn continued, "there was this, too." He gave the phone to Will.

So now he's sitting staring at the phone and wishing desperately that he could rewind and tell Finn he was too busy because _holy shit_.

"It's just," Finn says, "I don't get it. And I can't ask our parents, and if I ask Puck or Rachel it'll feel like I'm telling them a secret of Kurt's. But you're a teacher, you don't count. So, you know, what is that?"

"It's," says Will, and coughs, and closes the phone. _Do this for Emma,_ he thinks, because Finn's only other option is the guidance counselor, and this may well kill her. "It's a toy," he hedges.

"Uh, why is it with his porn, then?"

"No, Finn, it's a toy for – for porn – do you really want to know this?"

"Kurt's my little brother now. I have to make sure he's safe. I need to know this."

"No, actually, it's very normal to not know this about your siblings."

"Normal siblings don't have to make up for throwing pee balloons at their brothers. I have to go above and beyond. And Kurt doesn't have anyone to talk to except his boyfriend and his boyfriend is biased in favor of taking advantage his nativity. I'll just ask Santana if you don't tell me, and then she'll blackmail me to death."

"Okay. Okay. Finn. First, the word is naïveté. And. The thing is. That's, the thing you have a picture of – incidentally, please erase that picture – it'savibrator."

Finn considers this. "A what?"

"A vibrator," Will repeats miserably.

"Like girls use?"

"Yes!" _Oh, joyous day!_ Possibly he shouldn't be this pleased that a seventeen-year-old knows what a vibrator is, but if it means he doesn't have to explain it…

Finn frowns into the corner of the ceiling for a minute, then says decisively, "But Kurt's a dude. Like, I'm pretty sure he's got dude parts."

"Yes. Yes. Finn, don't ever say that to Kurt. He is a guy and he does get offended at not being called one. Except during mash-ups, apparently."

"So why does he have a vibrator? There's nothing to do with it."

Will's entire mind goes white with panic. "Finn. I really can't – you know what, I have a meeting, I'm sorry." He flees the room and teaches his next class without the lesson plan because he is not going back there until he is absolutely sure Finn is gone.

* * *

><p>Finn hates to go to Puck with this question, but it's not like Puck can make <em>more <em>gay jokes about Finn than he already does, so he just goes for it.

"How do gay dudes have sex?"

Puck stares at him for a long time. "Do I look like the expert?"

"On sex in general, yeah."

Puck stares at him some more. "Are you asking – Finn Hudson, you are not asking me about anal. That's like the most basic thing ever in the world. Are you asking about some weird-ass kinky shit your boyfriend wants to get up to?"

"For the last time, Puck, that's getting really gross now that we're brothers. I guess I'm asking about the basic stuff."

"Dude, I just _told_ you. They do anal. It's just like with a girl, only it's because there's no other option instead of because it's hardcore."

Finn turns this over for a few seconds, digs up a memory of half-forgotten porn, relates it to Kurt, and turns green and bolts for the bathroom.

* * *

><p>That can't be healthy. Maybe it's okay for porn stars, but everyone knows porn stars aren't <em>normal<em>. The dudes have huge dicks and the girls have huge boobs and, now he thinks about it, probably the girls have unnatural other bits too. Plus, as skinny as porn girls are, they're all sort of tough-looking, like they could probably take you in a fight if they weren't so busy being ecstatic about shit.

Kurt isn't skinny, precisely, more the kind of soft-delicate that comes with having a body type not designed to be thin but on someone who's trying to be anyway. Kurt isn't short, not anymore. Finn knows that intellectually, but he can't help it if he's stuck on how they took that picture sophomore year and Kurt had to stand on tiptoe in his Doc Martens to get his arms around Finn's neck, can't help it if whenever Kurt's not within visual range he pictures him as tiny. Anyway, Kurt's not _short_, but he's not exactly _tall_, either. Kurt still has baby cheeks, for God's sake. Finn is pretty sure he could bench press Kurt, and Finn's not, honestly, all that strong. Kurt still looks like an adorable Muppet Baby doll. And Finn is positive, knows on a visceral level, that if Kurt has sex, it will kill him.

But gay dudes have sex all the time, he reasons. They don't die from it. Even tiny gay guys who look like they could slap on a blond wig and play Heidi. He is tempted to let it go at this, but remembers the lawn furniture, which he did know about and could have prevented, and remembers taking that Marc Jacobs jacket and Kurt saying "Thank you" later even though Finn watched him get thrown in a dumpster, like he was trash instead of one of the most awesome people in town, in the whole world even. He has to be a man about this, he knows. It is time to step up to the plate.

He googles gay porn.

It makes things worse. First of all, from the little he sees, gay dudes in porn are all body builders who can totally take having things where things don't go, not muppet-cute seventeen-year-olds. Second of all, he gets a virus a few minutes in and his laptop crashes. He has Artie fix it. Artie won't judge. And it's time to pull out the big guns.

* * *

><p>Leroy Berry stares at Hiram Berry, shakes his head, and puts a hand over his mouth.<p>

Hiram says cautiously, "Finn, does Rachel know that you're… questioning your sexuality?"

"No! I mean, because I'm not. This is for a friend."

"I… see. And this… friend. He is questioning his sexuality?"

"No, he's totally gay. He has a boyfriend. He could have sex _any day now_." Finn nods, plainly hoping that the seriousness of the situation has been impressed upon them.

"Maybe if this friend has questions about intercourse he should ask them himself," Leroy suggests. "Because Finn, to be honest, the single last conversation I want to be involved in right now is one about 'how gay dudes have sex' with my daughter's boyfriend."

"You guys are the only people I can ask, though," Finn pleads. "Mr. Schue flipped out and the computer crashed and Puck'd just be gross about it." He pauses, centering himself. He puts his hands on his knees, visibly building up the courage to go through with his questions. Leroy finds himself wishing his daughter were involved with a lesser man. "So the thing is," he says, "this friend is like super little. He's, what's that word, he's _fragile_. And he cries a lot. I'm pretty sure if he tries to have gay sex he'll be hospitalized. And why would anyone even _do_ that, it looks like it has to really hurt. I just need to know he can do it and not get, like, broken."

"Oh my God," says Leroy.

Finn is bright red, but he shows no sign of backing down. It's really almost touching.

Hiram says, "Well, it's, it can be painful, but only if it's done wrong. With sufficient preparation, there's no reason for anal sex to hurt."

"I can't listen to this," says Leroy, but can't leave either. It's like a train wreck.

"It's a question of sufficient lubrication, and time and effort spent making sure that one's partner is… ready."

"But isn't it kind of," Finn swallows and soldiers on, "selfish? Because like girls… but why would guys _want _something up there? It seems to me like the guy who's pitching gets a hell of a lot more out of it, so probably if anyone tries that with Kurt I should just punch them for being a jerk."

"Probably," says Leroy, from a distant place far within his mind where he is not really having this conversation, "if Kurt is about to get laid and you punch his boyfriend out, you will be the one in need of hospitalization." He should be a Zen master, he realizes. He could bottle this kind of calm and sell it.

"The prostate gland," Hiram says. He coughs. "It's very sensitive. It makes it… pleasurable for the receiver as well… Look, Finn, it's pretty much like sex with a girl that way. You're putting something pretty big in a place that's probably technically too small for it, but with enough gel and time spent putting smaller things, by which I mean fingers, there, it all works out. Then you have to go slowly and be gentle and figure out what works for both of you. And work out where to aim so that everyone involved is having fun. Be prepared for it to be uncomfortable at first, and ready to stop if it turns out you weren't ready." He closes his eyes. "Keep that in mind if Rachel ever decides to have sex with you."

Leroy claps. "I married a brave man."

"Thank you," says Finn, and bolts.

* * *

><p>Finn has deleted the image on his phone, like Mr. Schue told him to, but he's done it because every time he sees it, it freaks him out and makes him want to steal it so that Kurt can't use it. It's not even that big, like it's not as big as Finn's anyway, and judging from the showers it's probably a little under average, but it still looks huge when he thinks about oh God don't think about that.<p>

He has replaced the picture with a note taking down every bit of information he remembers from the conversation with the Berrys. He can do this.

"Kurt? I need to talk to you."

Kurt turns away from the mirror, where he's comparing two different shirts that are the same except one is mostly blue and one is mostly green. "What is it?"

Finn descends the rest of the way into the basement. "You should probably sit down."

"Why? Is something wrong?"

"No! No, everything's fine, still, right now." He waits for Kurt, who's been kind of jumpy about Big News since his dad's heart attack, to stop being extra pale, then takes his shoulders (which are ridiculously small and soft-sharp in his hands, oh God someone's going to want to tap that, why is the world so dark and cruel) and steers him over to the couch.

"So you know, like, gay sex," says Finn.

Kurt squawks. "No. Not out of your mouth. No. Nothing you are about to say can lead anywhere good."

"Someone has to make sure you know what you're getting into," Finn says, "and I know Burt's still uncomfortable talking about this."

Kurt gets up and tries to run for it, but Finn has long arms, like a hundred pounds on Kurt, and hard-won warrior-like knowledge of his ticklish spots. It's easy to pin him back to the couch.

"You have to be aware," Finn says sternly. "This is no fun for me either, dude, but sex ed sucks at our school and they never even went over the gay options. I wish someone had been there for me about this stuff, maybe I wouldn't have believed Quinn about the hot tub thing. I hope you appreciate what I've been through for you."

"Finn, I promise, I swear to you that I will die a virgin. Just, whatever you're thinking of saying, _don't_."

Finn flips his phone open and finds the note. "I'm doing this for you, Kurt," he says kindly, pinning both Kurt's wrists to his chest when his step-brother tries to return the tickle torture method. "You have to remember you're putting in something that's technically too big for where it's going. So you have to use lots of lube and fingers for a long time to make sure everything's ready."

"Why is this happening to me," Kurt moans.

"Then you have to go real slow, and know it'll be uncomfortable. So he has to be super gentle and careful and you have to be ready to stop if it's too intense."

"Please, Finn, I will do all of your chores forever, I will bake you zucchini bread with frosting every morning, please stop."

"I know it's hard for you to find a boyfriend around here, and you feel really lucky now that you have," Finn says,"but you're worth more than – anything. You have to remember you're allowed to say no, and that even once you start you have a right to change your mind." He's harking now at talks his mom gave him during a horribly embarrassing week when he was fourteen. "And it's important to be aware of how your partner feels, but you have a right to feel good too, so make sure you express your needs. And sometimes stopping doesn't mean not doing it, just pressing the pause button and being sure it'll be worth it, and won't you be happier in the long run if you invest that much more effort and thought in this beautiful act."

"Yes," Kurt says. "Yes. Anything. Please be done."

"That was it."

Kurt kind of collapses into the cushions. Finn tugs him over into a hug, because he knows this pain, but Kurt will thank him for it in the end.

"Finn, _stop_!" Rachel rattles down the stairs. She looks at Kurt, his face pressed into Finn's shoulder, and gasps. "I'm too late."

"Yes," Kurt says. "Far too late. My sex life, Rachel, my _entire sex life_, ended before it truly began." Then he pops up. "Wait, how do you – Finn, you didn't discuss my now-nonexistent sex life with Rachel Berry."

"No, my two gay dads," she swallows, then continues, "my dads told me he was there asking about gay sex because he was worried you would hurt yourself. I heard that. From my dads."

"Oh, Rachel," Kurt says sympathetically. She collapses onto the couch on his other side; Kurt pulls away from Finn to cuddle her instead.

"They said they'd given him advice for when I was ready," Rachel says.

"Yeah." Finn nods. "They totally did."

"You used my name. They know you were talking about me," Kurt says in wooden tones.

"I didn't mean to."

"It's okay." Kurt puts his head on Rachel's shoulder, stroking her hand comfortingly.

"None of us are ever having sex, are we," asks Rachel.

"No."

"Pretty much not."

"Ice cream?"

"Why not," Kurt sighs. "I have no need to look or feel attractive ever again."

Finn perks up. "With banana bread _and _the frosting Kurt makes?"

His two best girls look at each other, and at him. He does wide-eyed innocence. This was for the best. They'll see. And on the bright side, he may have found a new mailman.

"Fine," says Rachel.

Kurt shakes his head. "You're lucky you're exhausting to hate, Finn Hudson. It'd be like hating a Muppet Baby."


End file.
